Misogyny, underemployment, and Santa Claus drove me to standup

Can you believe a Santa Claus was trying to silence me, a seasonal Mrs. Claus, through threatening cease and desist letters? I hired a lawyer who said my inquiry was one of the most entertaining he had ever received.

You’re threatening to sue me? I’m underemployed. Go right ahead.

I started going to coffee shop open mics last year, with no idea what I was doing. But I got a high off of performing. And I had a lot to say. Getting up on stage in front of male comics is in itself a political act. They made a point not to look up. Most of them just reviewed the penis jokes they’d written in their phones. Penis gazing, like their cavemen ancestors. So new and meaningful.

At 50, I decided I liked condensing my life into six minutes of material in front of strangers. I had so much more to talk about than Christmas. Most of the time, people weren't paying attention, but I'm used to that. I was taught to be a "nice girl." Talking into the mic felt freeing, whether any of the mostly male audience laughed or not. I liked the experiment.

So I started taking standup classes at Manhattan Comedy School. My teacher, Karen Bergreen, has helped me so much. Last week, she told me: "Standup is a different language, different from an essay or a sketch. You don't just know how to take a scene and make it into funny." Then she edited my wandering sketch/PowerPoint piece into setups and punchlines. They were my words. She just took out the transitions between ideas and added some classic joke setups. "I was .... the other day" and "everyone thinks my younger brother is the more responsible one, since he has 'a job.'" Immediately, I heard imaginary rim shots.

This is why you take class, she said, to get to funny faster.

I have rehearsed my new material and love it! It feels so good to have an authentic protest piece that sounds sweet and breezy. I feel I've joined a long line of funny women who invented gimmicks to present their unique points of view. I'm learning about Jean Carroll, Phyllis Diller, Lily Tomlin, Roseanne Barr, Judy Gold, and all the current ones I love, including Chelsea Handler and Fortune Feimster. I'm also joining the funny women in my own family. Those homemakers and teachers had few opportunities to speak (or vote) in public. I’m both their dream and their nightmare.

Look at me, Granny! I’m talking about menopause in front of boys. I don’t care if they won’t marry me. The women are laughing.

Here’s the deal, funny sisters. If we don't exercise our First Amendment rights now, we can’t complain when we lose them. It's a possibility.

For my Mrs. Claus sisters, I got a joke for you:

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Santa Claus

Santa Claus who?

Santa Claus who sits down while you get paid less to stand up.